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Domestic Violence: The Hidden Pain

Posted on with 2 Comments

“The Lord examines the righteous, but the wicked, those who love violence, he hates with a passion” Psalms 11:5

We tend to think of domestic violence in terms of only the abuse that is physical abuse, the one that is visible, but abusive behavior is categorized and expressed in many different and powerful ways. We must be very clear about domestic violence, it is not necessarily the location where the violence has occurred that constitutes domestic abuse, but it is the abuse within the relationship.

Domestic violence is also known as intimate partner violence (IPV) domestic or relationship abuse.  It is a pattern of behavior that is designed to maintain the power and control of another individual in an intimate relationship.  It occurs when someone close to you establishes a pattern of control over you so that they can keep you as a victim to continue the abuse.  Any relationship where control and power are done in a systematic pattern whether through intimidation, physical, sexual, economical, spiritual, emotional, or psychological abuse of any form, is considered domestic violence. Exercising this type of control pattern keeps the batterer with power and will escalate from continued threats and verbal assault to violence.

Abusive behavior is a deliberate choice to gain control and the abuser or perpetrator uses many forms of manipulation to gain power.  Abusers do not discriminate in preference to age, sex, gender, race, economic status, creed, or nationality, it crosses into all cultures with no respect for boundaries.  Sadly, the majority of those who are abusers, most likely have also been abused themselves. Abusive patterns can result in a lifetime of one being a perpetual abuser.  A very high percentage of victims know their abuser either intimately, casual acquaintance, or through family relations.

What Does Abuse Look Like?

  • Accusatory Mode shows no respect
  • Constantly Checking up on you—Controls who you see and where you go
  • Says you are not good enough/they can do better
  • Threatening you and name-calling
  • Isolation from your family and friends
  • Always sees sex as being consensual
  • Slandering you in the presence of your family and friends
  • Hitting and swearing for no reason
  • Controlling the Money
  • Threatening to hurt someone you love
  • Stalking—watching drive time-milage and phone-text messages
  • Keeps you in a Fight or Flight Position

The Repeated Pattern Of:

  • Clinging—controls your freedom and financial status
  • Condescending attitude criticizes and accuses you of cheating
  • Corrosive and chanting threats
  • Choosing a consistent pattern of hitting
  • The catharsis of guilt that project a false self
  • Composes convincing promises in their normal behavior
  • Center of attention turns into gift-giving
  • The cycle of circumstances is changeless—the abuse repeats itself
  • Challenging the circumventing crises is Impossible, the abuse gets worst with each occurrence

Statistically Speaking

Statistical monitoring has shown that domestic violence is increasingly at an epidemic level and with the stress of COVID-19, there has been a steady increase in domestic violence.

  • On a given Day 24 people per minute on average are victims of rape, physical violence, or stalking by an intimate partner and in the United States.
  • 1-4 women and 1-7 men aged 18 years and older in the United States have been the victim of severe physical violence by an intimate partner in their family.
  • Roughly half of all women and men in the United States have experienced some type of psychological aggression by an intimate partner in their lifetime
  • Nearly 3 in 10 women in the United States have experienced rape, physical violence, or some type of stalking in their lifetime, and 81% who experienced this type of abuse had a significant short or long-term impact.
  • Of male victims, 52% reported being raped by an acquaintance.
  • IPV accounts for around 12 million people a year.

Helping Those Who are Abused

How to Get the Victim to Open Up:

  • Ask if something is wrong
  • Ask about their feeling at that moment
  • Ask if they are afraid and if they feel safe
  • Ask what you can offer to help


What to Look for in a Victim:

  • Showing feelings of being anxious or signs of depression
  • Showing major personality changes that are turning into low-self esteem
  • Showing signs of numbness or helpless
  • Showing signs of suicidal tendencies


When Speaking to the Victim:

  • Keep an open mind be attentive and do not add pressure
  • Keep away from the desire to be judgmental refrain from blaming
  • Keep being supportive but do not offer advise
  • Keep them informed of a safety plan


Where Can a Victim Get Help:

Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) (English & Spanish)

Genesis:  214.389.7700

Family Place: 214.559.2170

Women Called Moses:  972.298.1155  

Family Care Connection:    972.298.3366

First Choice Social Services:  972.468.0631

Harmony Counseling Center:  214.751.3932



Gloria Harrison

Masters Christian Counseling Program Student

Dallas Baptist University



Tags: healing, violence, domestic violence


Shalonda Bush October 10, 2020 11:45am

Mrs. Gloria, thank you for sharing your blog with us. You definitely opened my eyes to imperative detailed information that was shocking because I've always looked at domestic violence as physical only, but after reading this blog, I found it to more to it than that. I have a friend that's going through domestic violence in the new ways that I just learned just by reading this blog and its so sad because her husband probably experienced domestic violence reason being as you stated could have been done to him, but I don't quite understand why a person would want to repeat the hurt that they went through to someone else. You did an amazing job breaking domestic violence down in this blog and I would love to share with others if you don't mind. You may not have helped me per say individually, but you have allowed me to be able to help others by knowing and seeing the signs. May God continue to bless you to help others.

RJ October 25, 2020 1:59pm

Very informative article.